The Sleepover Test
We posted a reel a few weeks ago about not grilling your kids when they come back from your co-parent's house, and wow, did you all have responses to that. It's a complex, nuanced issue, and it can be hard to know where "curious question" ends and "digging for information about what happened over there" begins.
First, as usual, this guidance applies to co-parenting situations without resist-refuse dynamics or safety issues. We define safety issues as parental substance abuse, neglect, or abuse, as would be categorized by child protective services. A lot of the questions parents ask are driven by fear about what's going on at the other home, and even though those fears feel real, they usually aren't safety concerns. Your kid only eating mac 'n' cheese and gummy worms at your co-parent's house can be annoying, but it's not a safety issue.
The easiest way to figure out what's appropriate to ask your kid when they come back from your co-parent's house is to think about what you'd ask if they were coming back from a friend's house. Let's call it the Sleepover Test.
When your kid comes back from a sleepover, you probably ask what games they played, whether they had fun, if they tried any new foods. Curious, easy, low-stakes questions. If that's already what you're asking when they come back from your co-parent's house, great, you can stop reading now.
But if you catch yourself asking "what did you eat?" because you really want to know if they got enough vegetables, or "what time did you go to bed?" because you're checking whether the bedtime routine held up, that's not curiosity. That's information-gathering.
Instead of trying to gather information, focus on rebuilding connection:
"What was the best part of your weekend?"
"Did anything make you laugh?"
"What's something you're excited about this week?"
These questions invite your child to share because they want to, not because they feel like they have to. Kids can sense when you're quietly digging for something that's going to fuel conflict with your co-parent, and that's exactly what makes them clam up. Staying curious and nonjudgmental about their time away from you is what builds their trust that they can tell you anything.
At the end of the day, the Sleepover Test is a simple gut check: if you wouldn't ask it after a friend's house, don't ask it after your co-parent's house. Keep the questions light, curious, and connection-focused, and your kid will keep coming to you, not because they have to, but because they want to.
