Escalated versus Neutral Communications

Ever start out an exchange with your coparent in a calm, cooperative, and collected manner, only to end up flinging insults, firing off emails before you can think about it, or cursing out your co-parent like you did while you were together? Most co-parents don’t go into their interactions with each other intending to escalate, but it can end up there quite easily if we don’t manage our own reactions and feelings. 

It might seem obvious, but here are the definitions of escalated versus neutral co–parenting communications. 

• Escalated interactions are driven by fear and anger and are often reflexive, emotional responses given to a perceived slight or pattern from the relationship. These communications likely focus heavily on the other parent, losing sight of the needs and best interests of your child! 

• Neutral interactions disengage from this conflict dynamic and are more reflective, information-based ways of communicating. Neutral interactions are also detached from the emotions surrounding the conflict and are focused on the child’s needs, not the co-parent’s actions. 

So how do we stay within this neutral parameter? 

• Keep it short: The more information present, the more likely there is to be confusion, emotional dysregulation, and conflict.

• Use a business model: The purpose of communicating is to share information, coordinate schedules and activities, and request changes. That’s all! 

• Keep it child focused: Remember, your child is the reason you’re communicating and they should be at the heart of all information exchanged, not your feelings about your co-parent. 

Want more tips, including troubleshooting for non-responsive co-parents, rude and accusatory messages, and when to move to a ‘live’ form of communication? Check out our recorded webinar here for full details. We also have plenty of other resources on our website to help you raise stronger kids through stronger coparenting!